Therapy isn’t what I thought it would be

I tried therapy a few times throughout early adulthood, but I was never in the right space to accept it.  I’m finally ready. I reached the point where I feel like I have tried everything that I can on my own, and am reasonably treated with medication, but I still feel like I need help.

The first attempt at therapy ended quickly- one session was more than enough to know that we didn’t mesh. The therapist wanted to dive deep into my past and connect all my traumas to childhood. Thanks, not into that. She was also big on breathing….bitch, I’m alive, I’ve obviously been breathing just fine.

Next time I tried a DBT class. It was interesting, and made sense, but it only works if you can catch yourself before you reach the point of no return. I tend to go from fine to crisis faster than I can grab my DBT notebook and compare symptoms with appropriate responses. It’s great for minor irritants/good days, but useless if you get to crisis.

Up next was a woman I found off of Groupon. She was fine, I didn’t really have an issue with her, or with what she said. I wasn’t in the space to accept help yet though. She gave me things to work on, and questioned the motives behind some of my future plans (and scared me because she was right, I was trying to “run away” with new plans to avoid actual manic, immerse myself in something completely new (I’ve previously moved to a new state on two days notice). I never went back to her after she made me think too deeply about why I was doing things.

Finally, we get to a mixed episode that had me freaking out at school. I couldn’t handle life, and was rotating between panic attacks and need for pain. My psychiatrist couldn’t get me in quickly, so I thankfully had two people who kinda knew what was going on and were on hand to help with self harm alternatives. I got in touch with mental health services and got an urgent appointment with counseling.

I’ve survived 2 sessions (that’s double my previous PR!) and am actually looking forward to going back. This therapist matches up pretty well with my interests; he’s a comic fan, likes animals, and previously worked with the foster system. While what I do in therapy I could do anywhere else with anyone, it is nice knowing that I don’t have to see him ever again, and honestly don’t care if he judges (which he hasn’t).

I have been enjoying being able to talk about anything/everything that pops up in my mind, but ultimately, I would like to get to the point where I don’t have to regularly shell out $20 for a half hour visit multiple times a month. Hopefully, just getting all of this out anonymously will help decrease the amount of crap I need to verbally diarrhea up for counseling.



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